There Is A Crack In The Door Filled With Light

Yeah in this wasteland, where I'm living
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to get by


Warrior for hope. What does that even mean? When you have a mental illness (my current diagnoses are Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder), finding hope can be so difficult. Some days the tunnel vision of my symptoms gets me to a place where I don't believe that things are ever going to get better.

Finding hope is not always so simple. And that's why I have to be a warrior - to fight for that hope even when I don't see it in the negative thoughts that bulldoze my mind. For those of us with mental illness, being a warrior for hope can often seem daunting or exhausting because we carry the weight of burdens, and depression, and anxiety, and self-loathing, and apathy or perfectionism, and struggle to believe we have what it takes.

But we have to remember this: life without hope births depression. And depression without hope births despair. And despair without hope is where we literally lose people's lives. I've been there. I get it. I'm currently in the early stages of emotional recovery from 2 suicide attempts (or intentional overdoses or cries for help, however you want to look at it -that's for another blog post) and 2 in-patient hospital stays. I got to that point of despair without hope. And it's a scary place.

But there is something so powerful when that glimmer of hope bursts into our thoughts and we can say - even if we don't 100% believe it - "Maybe tomorrow will be better." And a statement as simple as that can be the crack in the door filled with light. It's enough to take your focus off the door that's blocking most of the light (hope) in your life and to turn your eyes to one word or phrase that gives you the armor to keep going.

I know it's hard to repeatedly be a warrior for hope, day-after-day, when you don't have the energy, when depression is so overpowering, when anxiety breeds those racing thoughts, when paranoia makes you irrational. And that's why we can't do this alone. We weren't meant to journey through this process by ourselves.

So if you need to find someone else to be your warrior for hope on a day that just feels too impossible to battle on your own, that's ok. Call someone in your support system. If you don't want to talk to someone you know, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK and process with an anonymous soul that can be a listening ear. Or make an appointment with your doctor or therapist. Or even call 911 or go to your nearest Emergency Room. Connect with at least one person that will encourage you in hope.

You see, hope is not some small four-letter word. It's powerful. It's a driving force that- even in the slightest glimmer - encourages people to give tomorrow a chance. So let's be warriors together. Fighting for tomorrow. Fighting for hope.

Please Note

This blog is based on personal experiences and is intended for educational purposes. It is not to be substituted for professional counseling and medical care.

16 thoughts on “There Is A Crack In The Door Filled With Light

  1. This is so amazing! You are going to help so many people. Not only are you a warrior in your own battle but your willingness to share, be open and help others is incredibly courageous and powerful! Can’t wait to see what God does through you!!

  2. Erica,

    Your HOPE gives me HOPE! Never give up, always fight,….your oily family loves you and we are here for you anytime!! XOXO

    Nurture your soul, Dance with life!!

  3. Thank you so much for being a warrior for hope. For continue to fight each day. For being so open. Mental illness is something I struggle with as well and hope is something I seek each day.

  4. Erica,
    Being your best friend I know first hand your fight for hope. It is one of the most beautiful fights I have partaken in. You are not only an overcomer, but a true champion. May you know that this is the first of many opportunities God is giving you to steward being an effective voice to this generation, on the topic of mental illness. No one can take away your experience, nor can they critique it.
    You are a beautifully unique sound, with your own pitch making up a BRAND NEW SONG. May the world catch your beat and walk to your rhythm.

    I look forward to dancing to it for many days to come.

    We love you!

    Your Cali Family

  5. Such an important topic of discussion. Thanks for sharing your warrior story so that others might find in it a reason to keep fighting!

  6. Very important to talk about mental illness. Thanks love. It’s brave of you to share parts of your story. Can’t wait to see the blog develop! <3

  7. Thank you, Erica, for starting this important conversation, and for sharing your own journey so openly. Your courage will become a crack of light for others. You are valiant and awesome!

  8. Erica, I believe that your words written here will help many others out the who are struggling. Keep strong.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: